Ding! The elevator door opened and I stopped on my track instead of getting in immediately. Inside was my prince charming. The apple of my eye. My eternal sunshine looking imperial in red polo.
No one was inside but him and instead of keeping my cool, I stood in one of the corners of the elevator without bothering to press the button for my floor since he was standing on that side.
He looked at me and asked, "Fourth floor?" I got zapped back to earth and answered: "Fifth floor!" while making a dash for the button. Like the mighty knight in shining armor, he pressed the button before I was able to get my finger at it.
I coyly said thanks and he just gave me a smile. My heart almost leapt out of my mouth!
Gawd! He must be thinking I'm this invalid who got this dreamy look painted all over my face. Nevertheless his smile took my tiredness away and when he got off the lift, I was left alone enjoying the scent of his polo sport.
Yum! Yum! Yum! Deliciouso!
Then the door opened and I was in paradise --- rather, I was already at the 5th floor lobby.
I was just wondering how come I never got to a point where I thought of sordid images of me and him getting sweaty in the elevator. That would be kinky! Heck, I never looked at him salaciously to say the least. I just enjoy looking and admiring him that it never got to something sexual.
Hmmm.. This actually crossed my mind after his spell wore off. Now you be the shrink!
The officers got reshuffled this week and I got assigned to another team. Earlier today while having a meeting with the managers and the clients, one of the team leaders gave their feedback on how each wave is going with the training and all.
One of them spoke up and said, "How come those guys are so attached to you and they even long to have you back?"
The spotlight was on me and I was dumbfounded for awhile. Then she added while laughing, "They always compare me to you and they openly say it on my face. I'm nice. I don't bite. What's their problem? It seems like they don't want me."
I wasn't able to answer her since the other team lead replied, "Because he kicks hard like a stallion (read: redhorse) but he kisses more than he kicks and he's a good kisser. I got to sit on one of his coaching session and he does it smoothly."
Now that made my day!
Every time I get to visit those guys, they always ask me when I'm coming back and if I will still be part of their team. Awwww.. schucckkkksss. That was sweet of them to ask. I dunno, it's just heartwarming to feel so welcome.
There's this one guy who's a bit naughty and unruly in class who told me that "we" (him, an elderly guy, this funny girl and I) are already the notorious "team bulldog" in the account. We are the brainy bunch and we should lead the team. I don't know where that came from and I absolutely have no idea that I'm now notorious but it's cool to know that I have a new clique aside from the power rangers. Apparently, these guys are my eyes in that room since they never fail to update me on what's happening inside.
Funny how they always say they miss me even if we each other during lunch breaks and they flood my mailbox almost in a day to day basis.
I guess I'm doing the right thing this time? That or I'm just naturally born a good kisser.
There was a major power interruption early today and since I wasn’t able to sleep, I went to the nearest mall here and decided to do another window shopping with a friend (more of trying to get the best out of the mall’s air conditioning system since the world is effing hot today). So we decided to just meet up there but I wasn’t aware that he is with his other friends.
He introduced me to his officemates and we talked for a bit before I excused myself and snatched my friend from them. He was bidding goodbye to them and I slowly walked away since he will just catch up.
He caught up with me and said his friend wants to have my number if I don’t mind.
I looked at him in disbelief saying I’m too old for that crappy line and that I don’t think his friend is the smart-y kind of guy which made him so out of my league. He hit me in the arm saying I’m being bitchy again and that its time for me to come out of my shell. He added:
“It’s not as if you need someone whispering in your ear Einstein’s EMC2 or the penal code while he is fucking your brains out.”
Now isn’t he the bestest best friend there is? Blah!
Kiss-Kick-Kiss. That's how we normally give feedback.
I never thought that coaching people could be so difficult. Imagine giving feedback to someone who is almost twice your age, who just cannot help but be defensive every time you strike a point and who segues to personal issues. Exhausting!
Sometimes I ask myself why I ever accepted the position when to begin with I was really hesitant to sign the papers because of the nature of the business.
The funny thing is, despite the fact that I was almost on the brink of strangling the person in front of me she was able to somehow tug a string in my heart. The reason being she reminds me of my dear lola. Gawd! I miss my lola. Then again, my lola is never the type who wallows on trivial things but instead do things her way and the rest she includes on her daily rosary.
The problem with this lady is she always have alibis and she puts the blame on others instead of owning up her crap. Though I understand where she is coming from, its just draining to hear her rantings about the people around her to the point that she even tells me to be very cautious with the others as they are just using me.
Although the issue was just an iota of misunderstanding between themselves, she tends to magnify things that instead of getting your sympathy you would likely look at her queerly. She treats me like a kid who is so gullible and I just don't know what to do with her that out of irritation, I had to cut the discussion short since we are straying really really far from where we started. Of course, to seal the discussion with a kiss I gave her one of my chupa-chups and like the good girl I want her to be she smiled and walked away saying she'll do better next time.
I guess in time, I will learn how to put emotions in the backseat and start firing away point by point. SOS!
I received a text message around 2 am in the morning. It was from a friend. He said he badly needs to talk to me and he has a huge favor to ask. I replied saying I'm still at work but hopefully I will be out by 4 am if there will be no meeting afterwards. He will just wait and I can just text him where I would like to meet him up.
Luckily, our boss told us that meeting has been cancelled and we can go home early since it will be a long day tomorrow with the clients. I called him up saying I can meet him somewhere near FuenteOsmeña where we can talk. I went inside a fastfood chain and ordered some food since my stomach has been growling of hunger. I received another text message from him, he is on his way. Said he is taking a cab from his place so it won't take that long for him to get there.
I enjoyed my food while waiting. He arrived and I noticed that his hair was wet contrary to what he said that he jumped off his bed and rushed to Fuente without having to change his clothes. Hmmmm.. I pointed that out to him. He just smiled sheepishly and said that he decided to just take a quick shower to wake him up. I playfully smacked his head and told him that I know where he's from.
Honey, I know you'll get to read this but the next time you to lie to me, make sure that you don't have any incriminating evidence with you.
With him was a bottle of water with a huge sticker of this motel nearby. Stupid!
You horny imp! Had it been that I don't love you I wouldn't have rescued you. Now you owe me one and I think you should cook dinner for me this weekend.
I wanted to explore the other side of me. The darker spectrum of my id. I wanted to see if I can really transform myself into a manwhore like how the people around me sees me. I just want to push myself to the limit and see how far I could go.
So I kind of went active again on this dating-pimping-crusin'-however-and-whatever-you-want-to-call-it-site. I exchanged messages to several members and when I got home this morning one them called me up asking if I would like to meet him up. He asked if I can just sleep over at his place since he won't be going to work anyway. I accepted his offer and decided to take a shower first before going out of the house. I was already inside the bathroom, about to clean myself when I noticed that we don't have any water. The faucet and the pail beside it was literally bone dry, not even a drop of precious water.
Divine intervention? I would like to think so as I really don't want to go out of the house without taking a shower.
Then it dawned on me that the reason why I'm doing this is mainly because I feel cheated, betrayed and I'm still hurting for some reason not even clear to me. I guess I'm not really good at this and who am I kidding, ruining myself won't even out the score. I won't allow this pain to catapult me to self-destruction. I know my worth and not even that person or anyone else for that matter can put a price to it. Methinks, that I'm kind of good at flirting and I normally chicken out if I go beyond my comfort zone. It's just the chase that I enjoy.
So I texted him saying I won't make it and he got pissed off. He said he already made breakfast for two. Sweet really but that's already so overrated. I didn't reply, instead I deleted his number, sat in front of the tube and played with the new game I downloaded on my PSP. I'll just forget about the entire fiasco and yes, you don't have to remind me that I'm as fickle minded as your girlfriend.
Now that I'm bleeding openly, I feel a bit lighter. As what Kahlil Gibran said:
"When love beckons to you, follow him... Though the sword hidden among his pinion may wound you... For even as love crowns you, so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning."
I've loved and lost but I'd gladly fall again anytime soon. I always say I somehow got jaded along the way but that's just my mouth blabbering. It's always nice to fall and bleed for love even if its for the unrequited kind. This pain may pierce my heart yet I still believe that this too shall pass.
PS. I'm really hoping that we'll be able to go to Bantayan this weekend. Toucan Green Ranger needs a fucking change of scenery. Message me if you want to tag along... :)
PPS. Glad that we have water now else I will be absent at work!
1. Just because you've said your "I'm sorry" doesn't mean that you guys are already OK. A smile could mean more than your interpretation of an I-accept-your-apology-and-we're-good-to-go. It's also not nice to pretend you're fine when deep down you haven't really forgiven the other party. It would be best if you can just be true to yourself.
Forgive and forget is easy said than done.
2. People who talk a lot usually don't have that much idea. They just sit there and yak something about the topic you started but when you stop talking and give them the floor, they start groping for words and will look at you like a dog that hasn't been fed. They're just good at paraphrasing what you've just said without realizing how stupid they sound. Not impressive at all.
Less talk, less mistakes.
3. Other people only appreciate you if you bring something to the table. If you're the type that gets swallowed in the crowd, you're a nobody to them. You're too pedestrian, I should say. If you start whining and go against what they want, you're an insolent person. If you have something to serve but you're too assertive with your points of view, you're someone to watch out for. They always say lead by example and yet they want to put a leash on you and treat you like a puppy.
You can't please everyone. Sorry, I don't kiss ass. I bite!
4. "Just because you're not loved the way you want to be loved doesn't mean you are not loved at all."
I don't know where that came from and who said that but I'm pretty sure I just read that somewhere. That's the message I sent to a friend after she kept on complaining about her boyfriend early in the morning. That shut her up PLUS she told me "I always say the right things at the right time." Sweet! Not sure if she was really thankful for that or she was just being sarcastic but that made me feel smart even though I was about to collapse before I could even reach the bed.
5. Having someone tell you something and hearing that same person tell another version of it to another group of people while you're around is something I really find funny. Twisting you're words/stories just to sound interesting won't make you a star. Someone just might be laughing behind your back and you might end up as the laughing stock. The butt of prank. If that's your feeble way to make yourself sound cool then you're IQ just dropped a 100 points!
i dont know why people always have the impression that i am promiscuous. the very first person who told me that was this bitch of a friend who is so outspoken she'd already lashed out at you before she would even think of her words. we were having another drinking session then (this time -- just the two of us), when she told me she thinks i am a slut and that she fears i might contract some serious disease (God forbid!) if i'll continue with this lifestyle.
then one time, another friend who was under the influence of alcohol once asked some people we hardly know (but were with us that night), if they think im promiscuous. to my surprise they openly answered that yes, they think im one of those guys. i cannot believe they were assessing me openly. embarrassed and offended, i excused myself and called it a night.
then the same friend called me promiscuous again, on my face last sunday and added that im a cockteaser. i dont have any idea where that came from and i didnt see it coming but i retorted that the reason why he told me that was because i turned him down two years ago. that made him segue to another topic. it was a bit awkward really since there were just the two of us nursing on a set of beer while waiting for some friends to arrive.
early this year, while doing my new year's resolution, i came up with the idea that instead of having a list of promises i'd easily break, i'll have one NYR instead: never say never. thats for a change!
i am the type who's very loyal and i'd say im a stick to one if im in love. and when i give you my i love you that would mean that its you and only you for me. not that i dont have any lapses when it comes to relationships but pretty much i try to openly talk with it with my partner and i say sorry if there is a need to. i flirt but i dont touch. i guess being the voyeur that i am, in a way helps since i dont really engage in hankypankies. i prefer to watch two guys doing it instead of getting involved in the scene (not that there are a lot of people who are ok with that set-up so there's not much to watch except for maybe, porn on dvds). i always choose to be the backdrop. that, or im the audience.
i guess its time for me to go exploring the darker side of me.
love would have to take the backseat and lust can comfortably sit in front as i cruise around town checking out the friendly neighborhood. everything is just a phase and i think i would like to try exploring my limits. and no, you dont get to lecture me on what to do and keep your judgments to yourselves. lets just say this is my way of finding myself and where i stand in the picture.
i usually go online and chat every time something is bothering me. earlier today, my friend and i went to ayala to watch T2. the movie wasn't that great but i just love mika dela cruz, she's just a sweetheart with those cute eyes. there was a line there said by one of the enkantadas wherein the gist goes like: "why are you so proud of your heart and soul when all you get from it is pain and suffering?"
i've been hurting the past couple of days but i dont want to talk about it with friends. the pain climaxed as i knew the truth from the very person causing the pain. though i got to know it vicariously, it was just tantamount to having that person tell me its over.
so i just sat in front of the computer trying to digest everything. before i could even go maricel soriano with all the sobbing and the bawling, someone popped up to say hi. that distracted me for awhile and i inadvertently wiped my misty eyes with the back of my hand. i just got saved from another round of drama.
it's andrew, a friend who is now in dubai. its kind of normal for him to check on me every now and then and to give me his litany of questions which he will end with asking about my sex and love life. i told him i scored zero on both checklists and it even went to negative now. being the naughty and silly oaf that he is, he gave me his golden advice for the day.
andrew: if only i don't have to leave, i would have married you right now and we'll already have a dozen babies. me: gago ka talaga! andrew: no seriously, you're a good guy medyo sumpingin nga lang ng topak at mataray pero mabait ka naman. me: and that's supposed to make me feel ok? ha! andrew: cheer up uy! tatanda ka nyan. be happy na lang na single tayo. atleast pwede tayo mgloko ng di naguiguilty. hehe.. hanap na lang kita ng booking jan gusto mo? me: ulol! wag na. i can handle the job! hahaha..
so before mr sun was up, basa na ang tigang na lupa...
they say people who still see each other after they've thrown in the towel still has some unsettled issues. not this time. it was just lust on an easter sunday. he understood. no i love yous and sweet nothings. we just let ourselves get consumed by the raging heat inside and as we extinguished the last ember of lust with a final kiss, i realized i'm not at all feeling any guilt for visiting someone from my past.
no more pain and heartaches for now, i dont want to turn into a masochist in the name of whatever you want to call it -- love. -----------------------------------------------------
you are right, too much testosterone just wont work out. someone is bound to screw up along the way. i'm just glad it wasn't me.
on second thought, there was really no commitment to begin with so i guess we really don't have any liabilities at all. so you can now take back your empty and meaningless i love yous. go take it somewhere else. its better that things end this way. adios!
i am having a hard time sleeping again today mainly because i wasnt able to go to bantayan when someone already cordially invited me. everything has been set except for my things and when i get there, what i need to do is just to party, party and party some more. it was already four in the morning when he called me and gave me the itinerary and the location where we will be staying.
what i need to do is just to go straight home, pack my things and run to north terminal to take a bus to bantayan. however, upon knowing that there will be a lot of PLUs who will be sharing the room with us i backed out the last minute. and now he is mad and he wont talk to me after i turned down his invitation for the umpteenth time.
i miss bantayan. i miss the beach. the people. the food!
however, i had a bad experience going out with PLUs i hardly know and i dont want that to happen again specially now that i know that i can go nutters when i down a keg of vodka or a barrel of tequila washed with a case of redhorse. i already anticipated that there will be a lot of drinking since sunday will be the town fiesta and everyone will be partying like crazy then.
im so sorry my love but maybe some other day. i know that i will be able to feel your cool breeze caressing my face real soon and i can run and roll over like a crazy dog over your fine sand but right now, im taking a pass. i made a promise to myself and even your beauty wont tramp over that promise.
PS
for some freaking reason, i am just so in love with the place. *sigh* will someone go with me to bantayan next week?
i hate it that we dont have internet access at the training room. im not able to login to the site and i cant read my friends' blah. so every time we have our 30 minute breaks i have to run to the 5th floor and by the time i get there im too woozy with the elevator ride that if there's something i would like to write, i already lost all the thoughts at the lobby.
and so i try to retrospect and start grappling with the thoughts and since im also under time constraints, i always end up writing something incoherent and even incomprehensible. not that my writing makes sense but whatever.
since we will be having out training for two grueling months i'll be posting stuff that are worst than a grade school's essays. (again, thats under the assumption that i can write something worth the read).
see? i dont even know what im blabbering about and i was late awhile ago when i got back from our first break. *sigh* gotta run.. again!
i had the funniest conversation tonight with one of the new agents here. i walked with her to the loo and before we parted ways to enter the little boy's room and the little girl's room, she told me that she has something to tell me. i asked what's it about but she just smiled sheepishly saying its something personal and its about me. i told her that im cool about that and if she has something to tell me, im all ears.
she didnt spill not until she had her leak.i waited for her outside the room and when she went out, i went for the kill. i grabbed her neck and squeezed the issue out of her (well not really). she said she is the straight forward type of girl and if there is something she really needs to ask, she will ask it right away otherwise she wont be able to put it to rest. so i gave her the green sign and our conversation went like this:
agent: sir, i have a question. me: shoot! agent: do you have a girl? me: (startled with the question) whats with the question? agent: i mean, you're not bad looking and i find you attractive. so do you have a girlfriend? me: (getting a bit uncomfortable) uhhh.. no. agent: well im single. me: (getting really uncomfortable) well... uhhhmm.. im sorry but im not really the relationship type. agent: why not? me: because i like guys. agent: oh. me: yeah. agent: ohhh.. me: (smiling) yeah.. so why dont you just divert your attention to Neil instead? agent: well i dont find him cute. me: (laughing) agent: you just broke my heart!
thats one reason why as much as possible i really dont want to pretend im someone im not cause i dont want to be on a hot seat. now we are not talking but i always catch her looking at my direction and i just smile. too bad im sitting in front of her at the training room.
while i felt dejected, completely abandoned and forsaken (whatever you want to call it) yesterday, i felt like a "school-girl-true-blue-girl-who-wants-to-ask-can-you-come-out-and-play" tonight. i just saw the one person who never failed to make me smile every time i conjure a mental picture of him. and yeah i know, i sound so pathetic.. but what do u care?
i saw him while i was on my way to the lift. the door opened and ding! out came my-knight-in shining-armor-in-my-dreams and i was instantly warped to cloud 9.. he smells so nice and i goofily smiled inside as i felt my cheeks go red. i dont really need to have him for myself but someone who could atleast make me feel like this will be greatly appreciated.
i just laugh every time my friend asks me where his match is but seriously im wondering of the same thing today. i just want to feel needed, is it that too much to ask? *sigh*
i hate it when im being ignored. i am an attention whore (in my own way) and atleast if you dont have the time to even say "hi!" to me, just give me a friggin' clue so that i can duck the bullet before it hits me between the eyes. this is so not nice... i am hurting.
"recognition is greatly appreciated by everyone, not just people in business and industry. even a little bit of recognition can go an incredibly long way in a persons life. everyone is incredibly hungry for appreciation and recognition. as you interact with people, walk slowly through the crowd... it will make you a person of significant influence in their lives."
~becoming a person of influence by J. Maxwell and J. Dornan~
before i left my previous office i get to receive a total of about 30 small notes. these notes are basically intended to somehow cheer up someone or just simply to tell that person how he or she touched your life or just to write anything about that person.
i was really touched and im overwhelmed by the notes given to me. although not everyone took the time to write something, majority of the very small population in our office made my day before i left my second home. i cant believe that in my own way i was able to touch some lives in the account and im greatly humbled by the appreciation you showed guys!
now i know im good at what im doing (haha!!) but seriously thank you so much for the recognition and all. the thought of you guys recognizing me beyond what is written on the ranking list means so much more to me. and to you who proposed to me on that same day, just drop me a line and we'll talk about it. (haha!) you should have told me that whilst i was still there and i could have planted a wet kiss on your forehead the way my grandma does it. teehee..
now whose day wont brighten up upon receiving these notes:
"i secretly praise you in so many ways/aspects. do great on your new journey. it may be unusual but you can always text me if you need company... you are a great person!"
"you always have a special space in my heart, for how could i forget the number of times you've made my gloomy days better and i always smile because i have you... because you were never judgmental and accepted me for who i am."
people closest to me know that i dont cry openly but i was on the verge of tears (thank heavens my tear ducts never betrayed me) when i sat there reading a note from someone who i know has been through a lot last year but was able to make it just fine.
"thank you so much for your help when i needed it the most. i know that i cant repay you with what youve given me but God will have someone else do it for me and he will do it when you will need help the most."
so i just shot her an email and told her that what i did was nothing and hearing her thank yous numerous times is enough. i really dont want to get mushy mushy with the hugging and all cause i know if i were to do that the flood gates will open and we will all be drowning in tears.
i guess those small notes are proof that despite the hard exterior, im still a soul capable of touching other people's lives. other people may see me otherwise but hey i know you will miss me in the long run.. haha. thank you. and to my closest buddies, im still waiting for your notes and this time i wont accept it without gifts.. :)
its my second day of training with my new job and i cant believe i need to work with someone who is just so effing annoying. i never expected someone "professional" can be so crude, rude and at the same a warfreak from vietnam circa whatever. our trainer and i had an understanding that we are dealing with the reincarnated version of sybil. the worst part is she changes her personality faster than a chameleon could blend in to its environment.
just this morning, the three of us: me, our trainer and the ever gorgeous sybil had a conversation about some heart problems Mars (trainer) has. he was chatting about his medication and how often he has to take the meds to keep him on his feet. the ever omnipotent sybil interrupted the conversation saying she would like to take a look at those bottles of pills. she started opening the pedestal of Mars to which he objected saying he doesnt want to show her anything. she held on to the drawers which pissed off Mars until he told her that the moment she will really get into his nerves he will shred her into pieces using the paper shredder next to his cube. that shut her up and she ended up smiling sheepishly. gawd i hate her!
after the not so intellectual banter between the two of them she saw on his pc a picture of him standing next to anne curtis. she asked where the picture was taken and since she just cannot shut her trap she blurted out that he looked so ugly next to anne. my jaw almost dropped to the floor with that remark. i cannot imagine the nerve of this bitch to tell that on the face of our supervisor so to speak. he got offended but instead of going after her neck, he just gave her this wounded look while saying, "you are so rude!" that never bothered her and instead of apologizing she just laughed instead.
before he dismissed us, we went down to grab some food at mcdonalds. she saw one of her previous colleague walking towards our direction but when she called out, the guy opted to ignore her which pissed her off. she got so scandalous and started shouting at him. saying she will plant a flying kick on his face for being such a snob. i was completely flabbergasted with how professional she deals with other people. our trainer was snickering though and after she piped down, he told her that she is a war freak straight from vietnam and that he is wondering how she got the position given the attitude that she has.
he then asked if we have some questions that he could probably address but i said i have none in mind. she commented on that saying my brain is not working. the nerve of this heathen from hell! i got hold of myself and i just gave her my taray eyebrow. that never failed to do the trick. the next time she will cross my way im going to make sure that she will be howling in pain as i will be kicking her in the groin.
we were still chatting downstairs when she suddenly spaced out and said she is having some memory problems lately. she said she tends to forget things that just happened minutes before. she asked what we were talking about and our trainer and i were just looking at each until i told her that she is scaring me. before we said our adieu, he gave me a very inspiring talk and he closed it with the following words: "you will be working be working hand in hand wih her so good luck with your job!"
thank you so much and im really looking forward to the day that i will finally jump on her and start squeezing the life out of her beefy neck.
