Showing posts with label musings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label musings. Show all posts

another year

Posted by eye_spy | Posted in | Posted on 5:58 PM

5

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."
~Abraham Lincoln

Now who says getting older is such a scary thought? A birthday after all is just another first day of our 365-day journey around the sun. So yeah, I just turned 26! Thank you dear Father!

the mouth speaks what the heart is full of

Posted by eye_spy | Posted in , | Posted on 7:26 PM

5

I like talking with strangers. Aside from playing DOTA which I normally do during weekends, engaging in talks with random people is like my form of diversion and stress reliever. Not really on the streets as I am too shy to do that but online. Besides, I think people would give me that queer gaze if I approach them and ask how their day is. But that would be a nice thought, I mean approaching people and just chitchat with them as if you've known them for ages and not worrying about them giving you this crazy look as if you've just grown a huge mole on your nose.

So yeah, just this morning since we don't have work last night because of this 4th of July in the U S of A (Thanks to our American friends who hired me and helped me bring food to the table) I spent some time online just reading what people are writing on the main chatroom. Then this random guy buzzed me. And since I'm a sucker for people who are so good with the Tagalog language, I indulged and listened to him rant about his love life not working out. Nothing out of the ordinary really but what made me think and pushed me to write today is more of what I said to the guy.

"Well that's how things are lately. People are kind scared of love. Not really of love but from the hurt that goes with love. And as the old adage goes: prevention is better than cure. So people tend to walk on pavements instead of taking chances and tread the streets."

And then he said, "Wow! Did you just speak for yourself?"

Shit! I feel like banging my head on the wall a thousand times. I am such a drama junkie.

my own version of farmtown

Posted by eye_spy | Posted in , , , | Posted on 10:05 PM

11

There's a joke here in Cebu that goes: "If you want to feel like a celebrity, all you need to do is just go to Larsian." I say, if I want to feel like a Star all I need to do is go home and I'll be treated like a royalty. I was home a week ago and I am loving every minute of it mainly because all eyes were on me and being the attention whore that I am, it felt like I was in heaven.

Other than the fact that I don't have to slave myself with work, all I did there is visit friends, spend time with family, eat, sleep, eat again and sleep some more. We then went to the province and spent Christmas there which until now is still replaying in mind since I refuse to let go of the entire memory. Those days serve as my oasis of strength as I am now on the verge of throwing in the towel with the work load that I got back to after a short vacation.





I guess that's just how things work. Everything comes with a price and the 6 day vacation that I had would mean to say I would be swamped with work I'm almost drowning. Then again, I have pictures from the boondocks to keep me company. They're not really of good quality yet again, looking at those pictures chases the gloom away. I was a camera ninja then using my phone since my brother won't let go of the camera.





Oh yeah! We played poker until 4am in the morning.. yes, I was winning but it didn't last for long. Before I knew it, the tides have turned and I ended up losing P200 instead.

I just love the scenery there. Most of the locals were very friendly, except for this old man
who glared at me the moment I snapped a picture of him while peeling coconuts. Wherever you avert your eyes to it's green. There are animals everywhere and it felt like living my own version of Farmtown.



There were pigs.




and ducks..






and lots of coconut trees..





and I saw a horse,






and chickens.


I don't feel like looking at this picture though because the mother hen on the picture was given to me by my granny and days ago, my brother sent me an SMS saying mom just cooked the poor thing. Blah! It was supposed to be a joke by my granny. She wants me to bring the fowl to Cebu and make a pet out of it.



We actually had pictures while we were taking a swim in the pool at 2 in the morning but I wouldn't be posting pictures though since I looked like a whale stranded on a 7 feet deep pool. Embarrassing!




Before we went home, I rode on this cart while being drawn by a carabao. It's been 10 long years since my last visit.



I had a great time really.. and I hope you guys enjoyed the Holidays as much as I did! Hello 2010!

im addicted

Posted by eye_spy | Posted in , , , , | Posted on 4:52 PM

10


I used to say that I will never fall into the wickedness of massage and massage salons. I am not just saying that for the hell of it but I have my reasons. First, I am very ticklish that even the slightest contact of the hand on my body will make me squirm like as if I am set on fire. Silly really but that's just how my body reacts. Another thing is, every time I get a full body massage the next day I am sick, literally. With snot running down my nasal orifice and whatnot. Then I remember that at the start of the year I made a New Year's resolution: never say never.


So I confess, I ended up eating my words because now I am addicted to Thai massage. I am still ticklish but its sheer heaven hearing bones cracking (including my body) inside the spa. A bit sado-masochistic but that's just me. I had my full Thai body massage for the fourth time in four straight days. I don't know if that's a good thing or what but I'm enjoying it.


Then last Monday, while I was lying on the mat waiting for the masseuse to shatter my body to fragments, I remember the things I shared with my friends in reference of course to massage since that's what I am writing about now. There's my good friend who every after drinking session goes straight to a massage parlor to get his body caressed, fondled and what not by the masseur and errr.. the rest is too graphic to be talked about here. I just hope you got my drift though.

Then there's my other friend who fell in love with his masseur. Kind of weird really because he had a boyfriend and his lame excuse was he just wants a diversion. Well to each his own. Good thing though he ended the quasi-relationship before went completely bonkers over the guy, else he would be running after his money.


Then I remembered one time, we ended another drinking spree at around 5am in the morning and this friend started looking for an open parlor. Where are we supposed to go at that unholy hour to get a massage? There are a few around the city that are still open but he doesn't want to do it with a masseuse. So we scoured the outskirts of the city and even came to this spa/salon/whore house in A.S. Fortuna in Mandaue City. Thinking that they have masseurs inside because of this huge poster of David Boreanaz half naked we parked outside and asked around.


They charged P1500 for an hour of massage and that includes everything and I don't want to know what "every" includes BUT they don't have any masseurs. Mind you, the moment we entered the establishment we can hear moaning and beds creaking. Upon hearing the welcoming sounds my friend made a dash for the door as if he just got burned. Oh and by the way, in case you might be interested to check out the place it's Duke Massage.


So I guess the world of massage, masseuse and masseurs is like a breathing niche of interesting lives. Kind of like a little underground coven only with more people involved. Errr, scratch that! I suck with analogies. And before I end this post there's this online guy who messaged me who claimed that he's straight and yet he's been offering lingam massage and more for a good 4 years now. As if I'm buying that crap! If you don't know what lingam massage is go figure and let me know your thoughts!

love makes the world go round

Posted by eye_spy | Posted in , , | Posted on 11:33 AM

9





"One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul, and yet no one ever comes to sit by it."
-Vincent van Gogh


My heart goes out to my friend when he said that its high time that he finds a partner after years of being alone and lonely. But I commend the audacity and courage of Granny. Despite her age she still knows how to color her world red.

At the age of 107 who would have thought that a woman like her is still in the look out for another partner? While I am shooting at the sky to find my perfect match, dear granny is already on her 23rd husband and counting??

stop right there!

Posted by eye_spy | Posted in , , , | Posted on 1:12 PM

10

While I was happily biting on my burger while listening to some songs online, he popped in. It's been awhile since I last heard from him and I'm happy for the lack of communication. It's over and there's no point talking.

I tried ignoring him but I forgot I'm not in invisible mode. I told him I'm having my lunch and I'm at work. He said he just wants to talk. I know he will eventually drop a bomb so I braced myself. I'm kind of getting used to his style. And then he dropped the explosives. He asked if I can go out for awhile and meet up with him. What's the point? It's over and I'm at work.

Before he could even say another word, I told him "No! I don't want to." I've reached the finish line and though I want to see him, I was glad I was able to contain myself. Too often, going after what feels good means letting go of what is right. I don't want to go over the same shit again. My tearducts are too proud to cry you a river again.

i'm a good kisser!

Posted by eye_spy | Posted in , , | Posted on 2:21 AM

5

The officers got reshuffled this week and I got assigned to another team. Earlier today while having a meeting with the managers and the clients, one of the team leaders gave their feedback on how each wave is going with the training and all.

One of them spoke up and said, "How come those guys are so attached to you and they even long to have you back?"

The spotlight was on me and I was dumbfounded for awhile. Then she added while laughing, "They always compare me to you and they openly say it on my face. I'm nice. I don't bite. What's their problem? It seems like they don't want me."

I wasn't able to answer her since the other team lead replied, "Because he kicks hard like a stallion (read: redhorse) but he kisses more than he kicks and he's a good kisser. I got to sit on one of his coaching session and he does it smoothly."

Now that made my day!

Every time I get to visit those guys, they always ask me when I'm coming back and if I will still be part of their team. Awwww.. schucckkkksss. That was sweet of them to ask. I dunno, it's just heartwarming to feel so welcome.

There's this one guy who's a bit naughty and unruly in class who told me that "we" (him, an elderly guy, this funny girl and I) are already the notorious "team bulldog" in the account. We are the brainy bunch and we should lead the team. I don't know where that came from and I absolutely have no idea that I'm now notorious but it's cool to know that I have a new clique aside from the power rangers. Apparently, these guys are my eyes in that room since they never fail to update me on what's happening inside.

Funny how they always say they miss me even if we each other during lunch breaks and they flood my mailbox almost in a day to day basis.

I guess I'm doing the right thing this time? That or I'm just naturally born a good kisser.

my lola's at work with me

Posted by eye_spy | Posted in , | Posted on 2:51 PM

2

Kiss-Kick-Kiss. That's how we normally give feedback.

I never thought that coaching people could be so difficult. Imagine giving feedback to someone who is almost twice your age, who just cannot help but be defensive every time you strike a point and who segues to personal issues. Exhausting!

Sometimes I ask myself why I ever accepted the position when to begin with I was really hesitant to sign the papers because of the nature of the business.

The funny thing is, despite the fact that I was almost on the brink of strangling the person in front of me she was able to somehow tug a string in my heart. The reason being she reminds me of my dear lola. Gawd! I miss my lola. Then again, my lola is never the type who wallows on trivial things but instead do things her way and the rest she includes on her daily rosary.

The problem with this lady is she always have alibis and she puts the blame on others instead of owning up her crap. Though I understand where she is coming from, its just draining to hear her rantings about the people around her to the point that she even tells me to be very cautious with the others as they are just using me.

Although the issue was just an iota of misunderstanding between themselves, she tends to magnify things that instead of getting your sympathy you would likely look at her queerly. She treats me like a kid who is so gullible and I just don't know what to do with her that out of irritation, I had to cut the discussion short since we are straying really really far from where we started. Of course, to seal the discussion with a kiss I gave her one of my chupa-chups and like the good girl I want her to be she smiled and walked away saying she'll do better next time.

I guess in time, I will learn how to put emotions in the backseat and start firing away point by point. SOS!

this too shall pass

Posted by eye_spy | Posted in , , , | Posted on 2:37 AM

4

I wanted to explore the other side of me. The darker spectrum of my id. I wanted to see if I can really transform myself into a manwhore like how the people around me sees me. I just want to push myself to the limit and see how far I could go.

So I kind of went active again on this dating-pimping-crusin'-however-and-whatever-you-want-to-call-it-site. I exchanged messages to several members and when I got home this morning one them called me up asking if I would like to meet him up. He asked if I can just sleep over at his place since he won't be going to work anyway. I accepted his offer and decided to take a shower first before going out of the house. I was already inside the bathroom, about to clean myself when I noticed that we don't have any water. The faucet and the pail beside it was literally bone dry, not even a drop of precious water.

Divine intervention? I would like to think so as I really don't want to go out of the house without taking a shower.

Then it dawned on me that the reason why I'm doing this is mainly because I feel cheated, betrayed and I'm still hurting for some reason not even clear to me. I guess I'm not really good at this and who am I kidding, ruining myself won't even out the score. I won't allow this pain to catapult me to self-destruction. I know my worth and not even that person or anyone else for that matter can put a price to it. Methinks, that I'm kind of good at flirting and I normally chicken out if I go beyond my comfort zone. It's just the chase that I enjoy.

So I texted him saying I won't make it and he got pissed off. He said he already made breakfast for two. Sweet really but that's already so overrated. I didn't reply, instead I deleted his number, sat in front of the tube and played with the new game I downloaded on my PSP. I'll just forget about the entire fiasco and yes, you don't have to remind me that I'm as fickle minded as your girlfriend.

Now that I'm bleeding openly, I feel a bit lighter. As what Kahlil Gibran said:

"When love beckons to you, follow him... Though the sword hidden among his
pinion may wound you... For even as love crowns you, so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning."



I've loved and lost but I'd gladly fall again anytime soon. I always say I somehow got jaded along the way but that's just my mouth blabbering. It's always nice to fall and bleed for love even if its for the unrequited kind. This pain may pierce my heart yet I still believe that this too shall pass.

PS. I'm really hoping that we'll be able to go to Bantayan this weekend. Toucan Green Ranger needs a fucking change of scenery. Message me if you want to tag along... :)

PPS. Glad that we have water now else I will be absent at work!

realizations

Posted by eye_spy | Posted in , , | Posted on 2:42 AM

8

Things I Realized On My Way Home This Morning:


1. Just because you've said your "I'm sorry" doesn't mean that you guys are already OK. A smile could mean more than your interpretation of an I-accept-your-apology-and-we're-good-to-go. It's also not nice to pretend you're fine when deep down you haven't really forgiven the other party. It would be best if you can just be true to yourself.

Forgive and forget is easy said than done.

2. People who talk a lot usually don't have that much idea. They just sit there and yak something about the topic you started but when you stop talking and give them the floor, they start groping for words and will look at you like a dog that hasn't been fed. They're just good at paraphrasing what you've just said without realizing how stupid they sound. Not impressive at all.

Less talk, less mistakes.

3. Other people only appreciate you if you bring something to the table. If you're the type that gets swallowed in the crowd, you're a nobody to them. You're too pedestrian, I should say. If you start whining and go against what they want, you're an insolent person. If you have something to serve but you're too assertive with your points of view, you're someone to watch out for. They always say lead by example and yet they want to put a leash on you and treat you like a puppy.

You can't please everyone. Sorry, I don't kiss ass. I bite!

4. "Just because you're not loved the way you want to be loved doesn't mean you are not loved at all."

I don't know where that came from and who said that but I'm pretty sure I just read that somewhere. That's the message I sent to a friend after she kept on complaining about her boyfriend early in the morning. That shut her up PLUS she told me "I always say the right things at the right time." Sweet! Not sure if she was really thankful for that or she was just being sarcastic but that made me feel smart even though I was about to collapse before I could even reach the bed.

5. Having someone tell you something and hearing that same person tell another version of it to another group of people while you're around is something I really find funny. Twisting you're words/stories just to sound interesting won't make you a star. Someone just might be laughing behind your back and you might end up as the laughing stock. The butt of prank. If that's your feeble way to make yourself sound cool then you're IQ just dropped a 100 points!

Walk the talk.

finding dory

Posted by eye_spy | Posted in , , | Posted on 2:40 AM

5


i dont know why people always have the impression that i am promiscuous. the very first person who told me that was this bitch of a friend who is so outspoken she'd already lashed out at you before she would even think of her words. we were having another drinking session then (this time -- just the two of us), when she told me she thinks i am a slut and that she fears i might contract some serious disease (God forbid!) if i'll continue with this lifestyle.

then one time, another friend who was under the influence of alcohol once asked some people we hardly know (but were with us that night), if they think im promiscuous. to my surprise they openly answered that yes, they think im one of those guys. i cannot believe they were assessing me openly. embarrassed and offended, i excused myself and called it a night.

then the same friend called me promiscuous again, on my face last sunday and added that im a cockteaser. i dont have any idea where that came from and i didnt see it coming but i retorted that the reason why he told me that was because i turned him down two years ago. that made him segue to another topic. it was a bit awkward really since there were just the two of us nursing on a set of beer while waiting for some friends to arrive.

early this year, while doing my new year's resolution, i came up with the idea that instead of having a list of promises i'd easily break, i'll have one NYR instead: never say never. thats for a change!

i am the type who's very loyal and i'd say im a stick to one if im in love. and when i give you my i love you that would mean that its you and only you for me. not that i dont have any lapses when it comes to relationships but pretty much i try to openly talk with it with my partner and i say sorry if there is a need to. i flirt but i dont touch. i guess being the voyeur that i am, in a way helps since i dont really engage in hanky pankies. i prefer to watch two guys doing it instead of getting involved in the scene (not that there are a lot of people who are ok with that set-up so there's not much to watch except for maybe, porn on dvds). i always choose to be the backdrop. that, or im the audience.

i guess its time for me to go exploring the darker side of me.

love would have to take the backseat and lust can comfortably sit in front as i cruise around town checking out the friendly neighborhood. everything is just a phase and i think i would like to try exploring my limits. and no, you dont get to lecture me on what to do and keep your judgments to yourselves. lets just say this is my way of finding myself and where i stand in the picture.



bantayan

Posted by eye_spy | Posted in | Posted on 5:31 AM

8





missin you a lot already.
envelop me in your loving breath and show me paradise.
looking forward to that day that i will feel the warmth of your embrace, again.

prostitution

Posted by eye_spy | Posted in , | Posted on 11:33 PM

11

"sex has come to be used as some kind of drug in order to escape reality, to forget about problems, to relax. and like all drugs, this is a harmful and destructive practice. sex cannot be practiced at any time. we all have a clock inside us and in order to make love, the hands on both clocks have to be pointing to the same hour at the same time."

~eleven minutes by Paolo Coelho~


i always tease my mokiks saying someday i will become a prostitute. the thought of getting paid after having sex is just so appealing to me sometimes. but darn, he discourages me saying he wont pay for sex. hes a cheapskate really and he wont even pay me with french fries and coke float for a night with me. and i thought i still have a bit of market value left. im just too presumptuous sometimes... boohoo!

oh well guess i wont make a good pokpok either as im sexually unresponsive most of the time. probably my body clock is running low of battery? now im considering the idea of becoming a pimp daddy instead. i just need to polish my sales talks. it may not be that easy but i guess this business is a bit lucrative still.

so if you need an agent, call me ok? Ü

change

Posted by eye_spy | Posted in , | Posted on 12:42 PM

6

We're on the road
We move from place to place
And oftentimes when I'm about to call it home
We'd have to move along
Life is a constant change...

you ever had that feeling that you're slowly losing everything you have? you try to tighten your grip and yet like the fine sands at the beach it starts trickling out of your palm the moment you have a handful of it. you panic. you try to catch the things that are falling and yet no matter how hard you try it's just no use.

you have to resign to the fact that everything changes. that the only thing constant is change. that change is inevitable! and yet, no matter how hard you try to pound those thoughts on your cranium its just not doing the trick. then you realize you need to wait, wait for the silt to sink and hit rock bottom so that the water will start clearing up. then you can wade your way out of the murky water.

but as you wait, various thoughts plague your peripheral consciousness and you start wrestling with those ideas. you get skeptical, you start weighing things and put to much time thinking that everyone starts looking at you queerly.

you should get hold of yourself and put anxiety on a leash. you have to brave the unknown to find that the beacon of light to cast away that darkness you fear the most. when you find that shining lighthouse, you'll get to see that the things that you think you need are gone but the people who mattered are just there. you were groping in the dark and in your panic you let go of their hands but they stayed. they are still there because you simply matter to them.

so you go back to your normal self knowing that everything is fine now. that though things may have changed and people always go, there are still others who chose to stay. that change is not that bad after all.
PS I know the song is a bit cheesy but i'm just loving it right now.


marley and me

Posted by eye_spy | Posted in , , | Posted on 1:58 AM

3

while speedily traversing jones avenue this morning, the person behind the wheels cursed as a whimper of an animal in pain reverberated our ears. out of nowhere a dog zoomed across the street and got hit by this maniacal driver who i presumed, was high on drugs as early as 5 am. instead of making a fuss out of it or playing dead in the middle of the street, the dog just ran the entire width of the road, limping on its hind leg and eventually disappeared at the back of a building.

not feeling a bit sorry for the dog, mister-i-have-bloodshot-eyes-and-im-high-on-drugs damned the dog saying, "piste kang iroa ka! wa ka namatay!" i momentarily laughed at that remark remembering that thats how an office mate curses every time he gets pissed off at work.

then a pang of remorse hit me like a hammer striking an anvil. i sat inside the jeepney transfixed, thinking: "Hey that dog is ME!

i am that dog! not because im covered with hair and i have its poor puppy eyes and four legs (oh! not the four legs!) but rather im a survivor!

lifes a bit harsh with all the bad news and all. love lifes zero and heck my sex life is going down the drain real fast. faster than i can utter the words: wait a minute! im still here. still standing and much stronger than yesterday. smiling like everything is just fine (and i know everything will be fine -- eventually!) and laughing my ass out louder than the deranged Sisa could.

im alive and im loving every minute of it!

im still here with feet firmly rooted on the ground, still upright and enduring the crushing of the hammer and the anvil. im still here and i will be here til i get to the end of the road.


sana dalawa ang puso ko

Posted by eye_spy | Posted in , | Posted on 6:45 AM

0


Boy meets girl. Confesses his feelings but Girl is indecisive. She likes boy but is too scare to give it a shot, probably because of a not-so-good-previous-relationship. Girl's bestfriend came prancing into the scene. She's a bombshell, a bit coquettish and isn't scared to try something new every once in awhile. Girlfriend falls for boy and starts to take things seriously.

Boy and girl knows each others' feelings but this time, things just wont work out easily because everything has gotten complicated somehow. Boy is now dating girlfriend and she is getting really weak on the knees. Now boy is in love with the two but feels girl means more to him than girlfriend. Girl can no longer hold back and decided to free herself from her self-made cage. She ran to boy's arms.

Boy and girl came up with a plan to break the news to girlfriend but things spin out of hand and start careening off to the sidetracks. Before they can deliver the blow to girlfriend, she already had the puzzle figured out and the pieces fall into their respective places. Meanwhile, Girl again got two on her mind about the idea of blowing the news to girlfriend's face. She's got qualms about what they are about to do and if boy is really worth the price of losing her bestfriend. The plan backfired and blew at their faces (boy's and girl's)and bestfriend feels betrayed.

Everyone ended up having nobody. Girl went back to her shell and feels guilty about the whole thing. Boy starts apologizing to girlfriend and was completely shunned, attempts to go after girl but she clams up. Girlfriend is not talking to either boy or girl and feels better to leave things that way. Girl is dying of guilt.

Love sometimes can be so complicated thus the song "Sana Dalawa Ang Puso Ko". Then again broken hearts do still beat and I'm just thankful this is not my story. Im very much interested with how things will turn out in the long run.

I wonder.. *think* *think* *think*

musings..

Posted by eye_spy | Posted in | Posted on 8:25 PM

0


so you've met your ex after a very long time say after 4 or 5 grueling years. you know that you're still not over him. you sat down, had the usual chit-chat over coffee while you reminisce your past. then he drops the bomb, he tells you that he's seeing someone else and that he's happy with that person. you never expected that he will ever move on and live a life without you (not to say that you're selfish and that you never wanted him to be happy but ur still hoping..). so while you get yourself in deeper rut and wallow in regrets, he is living his life.
fast forward.. you try to win him back and in the process you are disturbing the relationship that he has with his lover. you are inciting doubt on his partner and made him think that there is still something going on between the two of you. you won, he caved in. you get to hear what are you dying to hear from him. the one thing that you've been waiting for. he tells you that he is still not over you. that he loves you still but he feels the same way towards the other. pretty sad huh?

then comes the silver lining.. he tells you that its you that he really wants, that he is so into you still but that you just dont make him feel special enough. that he feels lonely with you. on the other hand, this person he's living with right now makes him feel needed and he gets all warm and loved. bottom line he still wants you but he cant be with you. hmmm.. (does that mean that you're both living in lies?)

you feel devastated. your world crumbled. you cared and you loved but its just that its not getting across. so say, its you im talking about here. how would you feel hearing those words?

think.. think.. think..

need a break

Posted by eye_spy | Posted in | Posted on 11:09 AM

0



just sitting there and not talking with a far away gaze on our faces. each of us filling the silence with our own thoughts. drowned in random ideas. hearing the crashing of the waves on the sides of the boat. feeling the spray of salt water on our faces and not minding at all because we are all drenched from a quick swim. savoring the coldness of the wind blowing from everywhere and appreciating the vastness of the ocean. communing with nature and hearing your inner you and not minding whats going on with the people around.


i.need.that.one.now.

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