eye_spy ... i have you at the corner of my eye ...

"Well that's how things are lately. People are kind scared of love. Not really of love but from the hurt that goes with love. And as the old adage goes: prevention is better than cure. So people tend to walk on pavements instead of taking chances and tread the streets."

While waiting for the meeting to start, one of my officemates nonchalantly asked me:

"Which is more painful, being cheated emotionally or physically?"

I wanted to explore the other side of me. The darker spectrum of my id. I wanted to see if I can really transform myself into a manwhore like how the people around me sees me. I just want to push myself to the limit and see how far I could go.

So I kind of went active again on this dating-pimping-crusin'-however-and-whatever-you-want-to-call-it-site. I exchanged messages to several members and when I got home this morning one them called me up asking if I would like to meet him up. He asked if I can just sleep over at his place since he won't be going to work anyway. I accepted his offer and decided to take a shower first before going out of the house. I was already inside the bathroom, about to clean myself when I noticed that we don't have any water. The faucet and the pail beside it was literally bone dry, not even a drop of precious water.

Divine intervention? I would like to think so as I really don't want to go out of the house without taking a shower.

Then it dawned on me that the reason why I'm doing this is mainly because I feel cheated, betrayed and I'm still hurting for some reason not even clear to me. I guess I'm not really good at this and who am I kidding, ruining myself won't even out the score. I won't allow this pain to catapult me to self-destruction. I know my worth and not even that person or anyone else for that matter can put a price to it. Methinks, that I'm kind of good at flirting and I normally chicken out if I go beyond my comfort zone. It's just the chase that I enjoy.

So I texted him saying I won't make it and he got pissed off. He said he already made breakfast for two. Sweet really but that's already so overrated. I didn't reply, instead I deleted his number, sat in front of the tube and played with the new game I downloaded on my PSP. I'll just forget about the entire fiasco and yes, you don't have to remind me that I'm as fickle minded as your girlfriend.

Now that I'm bleeding openly, I feel a bit lighter. As what Kahlil Gibran said:

"When love beckons to you, follow him... Though the sword hidden among his
pinion may wound you... For even as love crowns you, so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning."

I've loved and lost but I'd gladly fall again anytime soon. I always say I somehow got jaded along the way but that's just my mouth blabbering. It's always nice to fall and bleed for love even if its for the unrequited kind. This pain may pierce my heart yet I still believe that this too shall pass.

PS. I'm really hoping that we'll be able to go to Bantayan this weekend. Toucan Green Ranger needs a fucking change of scenery. Message me if you want to tag along... :)

PPS. Glad that we have water now else I will be absent at work!

i dont know why people always have the impression that i am promiscuous. the very first person who told me that was this bitch of a friend who is so outspoken she'd already lashed out at you before she would even think of her words. we were having another drinking session then (this time -- just the two of us), when she told me she thinks i am a slut and that she fears i might contract some serious disease (God forbid!) if i'll continue with this lifestyle.

then one time, another friend who was under the influence of alcohol once asked some people we hardly know (but were with us that night), if they think im promiscuous. to my surprise they openly answered that yes, they think im one of those guys. i cannot believe they were assessing me openly. embarrassed and offended, i excused myself and called it a night.

then the same friend called me promiscuous again, on my face last sunday and added that im a cockteaser. i dont have any idea where that came from and i didnt see it coming but i retorted that the reason why he told me that was because i turned him down two years ago. that made him segue to another topic. it was a bit awkward really since there were just the two of us nursing on a set of beer while waiting for some friends to arrive.

early this year, while doing my new year's resolution, i came up with the idea that instead of having a list of promises i'd easily break, i'll have one NYR instead: never say never. thats for a change!

i am the type who's very loyal and i'd say im a stick to one if im in love. and when i give you my i love you that would mean that its you and only you for me. not that i dont have any lapses when it comes to relationships but pretty much i try to openly talk with it with my partner and i say sorry if there is a need to. i flirt but i dont touch. i guess being the voyeur that i am, in a way helps since i dont really engage in hanky pankies. i prefer to watch two guys doing it instead of getting involved in the scene (not that there are a lot of people who are ok with that set-up so there's not much to watch except for maybe, porn on dvds). i always choose to be the backdrop. that, or im the audience.

i guess its time for me to go exploring the darker side of me.

love would have to take the backseat and lust can comfortably sit in front as i cruise around town checking out the friendly neighborhood. everything is just a phase and i think i would like to try exploring my limits. and no, you dont get to lecture me on what to do and keep your judgments to yourselves. lets just say this is my way of finding myself and where i stand in the picture.

"recognition is greatly appreciated by everyone, not just people in business and industry. even a little bit of recognition can go an incredibly long way in a persons life. everyone is incredibly hungry for appreciation and recognition. as you interact with people, walk slowly through the crowd... it will make you a person of significant influence in their lives."

~becoming a person of
influence by J. Maxwell and J. Dornan~

before i left my previous office i get to receive a total of about 30 small notes. these notes are basically intended to somehow cheer up someone or just simply to tell that person how he or she touched your life or just to write anything about that person.

i was really touched and im overwhelmed by the notes given to me. although not everyone took the time to write something, majority of the very small population in our office made my day before i left my second home. i cant believe that in my own way i was able to touch some lives in the account and im greatly humbled by the appreciation you showed guys!

now i know im good at what im doing (haha!!) but seriously thank you so much for the recognition and all. the thought of you guys recognizing me beyond what is written on the ranking list means so much more to me. and to you who proposed to me on that same day, just drop me a line and we'll talk about it. (haha!) you should have told me that whilst i was still there and i could have planted a wet kiss on your forehead the way my grandma does it. teehee..

now whose day wont brighten up upon receiving these notes:

"i secretly praise you in so many ways/aspects. do great on your new journey. it may be unusual but you can always text me if you need company... you are a great person!"

"you always have a special space in my heart, for how could i forget the number of times you've made my gloomy days better and i always smile because i have you... because you were never judgmental and accepted me for who i am."

people closest to me know that i dont cry openly but i was on the verge of tears (thank heavens my tear ducts never betrayed me) when i sat there reading a note from someone who i know has been through a lot last year but was able to make it just fine.

"thank you so much for your help when i needed it the most. i know that i cant repay you with what youve given me but God will have someone else do it for me and he will do it when you will need help the most."

so i just shot her an email and told her that what i did was nothing and hearing her thank yous numerous times is enough. i really dont want to get mushy mushy with the hugging and all cause i know if i were to do that the flood gates will open and we will all be drowning in tears.

i guess those small notes are proof that despite the hard exterior, im still a soul capable of touching other people's lives. other people may see me otherwise but hey i know you will miss me in the long run.. haha. thank you. and to my closest buddies, im still waiting for your notes and this time i wont accept it without gifts.. :)

for some reason i feel more comfortable talking about the issues of my life with people online, mostly to strangers. i dont know if we have some commonalities on that but i just feel that its better to talk to someone whom you dont know but can give you an objective view on the issue. other than that, its good that after the chitchat you can just say goodbye and forget about everything without fearing that someone might go gossipy on you. now i have a lot of things in mind lately and just this morning after being out cold for 2 short hours i suddenly woke up only to find out im no longer able to go back to sleep. sleeping for someone like me who usually dozes off for more than 10 hours a day has been pretty elusive lately. so instead of just lying in bed i decided to go online instead and talk to random people.

so i logged on to my YM account and browsed through the list of local rooms. i joined in and started talking to several people. my attention was leaning more on this middle aged guy who was kind enough to offer his two cents regarding my drama in life. he talked about religion and quoted some verses for me and i really appreciated that. he is smart and most of us would agree that whats between your ears is way sexier than whats between your legs. a couple of minutes of tapping the keyboard, he asked if i have a picture or a webcam and if i would like to see him on cam. i directed him to my friendster account which was by the way, set to private.

in turn, he invited me to view him. i accepted the invitation and lo and behold... instead of seeing a shrink with uber huge specs and tousled hair or a living saint with this radiating halo -- he displayed his dong for the world to see. yes, his junior was happily waving at the camera. what the fuck was he thinking? i cannot believe that someone so sensible was at the same time a pervert who was stroking his penor while advising me. mortifying!

i know life is what we make it and we attract what we think and all that but really.. im having a not so good day today. im feverish but im still at work and my stomach is growling in pain. hyperacidity attack --- again. incidentally, its not just me who's suffering right now. the person sitting right next to me has been complaining about his tummy the entire shift. and he just asked me a question awhile ago:

seatmate: have you had your endoscopy already?
me: no! im scared.
seatmate: me too! id rather have a d*ck probing my gullet than... what's that thing they stick inside your stomach?
me: (falling off my seat)

hmmm... i think my seatmate and that man on cam would really get along just fine.

i want my mama! :(